White. Wears a tie. Addressed by the title of his elected office. Looks presidential.
I am of course speaking about my cat, Senator Puffball.
I guess that there’s another person who’s been described as “presidential” in the last few days: former governor Mitt Romney, whose major accomplishment in the second and third debates was convincing his base that he looks like they expect a president should.
However, let me share with you some of the problems of selecting a candidate based on his presidential stature. If the comparison between my cat and Mr. Romney holds, then we can expect at least a few of the following from a Romney presidency:
- Mr. Romney will prove to be terrified of thunderstorms, and will whine outside our doors until we agree to let him cower under the bed.
- Occasionally the President will get his own feces stuck in his long, luxurious hair, and the American people will be obligated to hold him down, chop out the poo, and then forcibly bathe our uncooperative chief executive.
- The Commander-in-Chief will require hours of grooming every week, including almost twenty minutes a night of brushing.
- Mr. Romney will patiently wait for us to turn our backs, and then he will steal food directly off our dinner plates.
- As soon as the sun goes down, the President will start begging for wet food. We will be forced to lock him in the bathroom in order to prevent him from also eating the portions allotted for our other elected officials.
- Mr. Romney will sit on our keyboards while we are trying to work, and will squeeze between us and our significant others at every available opportunity.
- Mr. Romney will nervously pull out tufts of his hair and leave them all over our living rooms.
- Occasionally, the President will become erratic, run madly through our houses, and jump up onto our counters to destroy cooling loaves of bread.
It’s not that we shouldn’t select a president based on our determination that he’s the cutest one at the shelter. I just want the American people to understand the challenges that come with adopting the most presidential-looking candidate without carefully reading his handler notes.